Well, I’ve been four years prostrate to the higher mind.  I’ve finally got my paper and now I’m free … to start my own seminars.  That’s right…for a limited time only you and countless other people can get a whopping 50% discount on my series of upcoming seminars entitled ”All Summer Long:  How to Be Successful By the Skynard of Your Teeth”.

No seminar is complete without an exotic location.  Forget Paris, Venice or Basingstoke.  I’ve opted for the Altantis Hotel in Jermirah Beach, Dubai.  Why?  Hot location, hot ladies and endless amounts of alcohol.  Wise move, eh?  Think of the challenge…its hard enough pretending that shooting beautiful models in semi states of undress is productive to wedding photography, but doing it at the risk of being sent to a UAE prison by the Sheik himself just adds to the excitement.  But enough about the location, what will you learn?

Honesty has always been my number policy.  So the honest answer is…sweet FA.  But don’t let that get you down.  The price of the seminar is well worth the association you can forever garner for being my paid for friend.  Imagine the kudos of hanging with your friends at SWPTB (Sh*t Wedding Photographers Talk B*ll*cks) and mentioning the nights we shared sippin’ whisky out the bottle.  Immense!

In an about face to the entire seminar circuit my actions (cleverly entitled Rob’s Actions), which are cobbled together from smarter people than me who post these things FREE on internet hobbyist forums, are included in the cost of the seminar.

Before someone asks, I absolutely encourage you to bring your cameras.  Its essential that as many of you shoot over my shoulder, snag my shot of Ms Kent 1991 (soaking wet at the end of the trash the dress session), and post it on your website.  That way your friends will think you learned so much that when I double my rates for next years seminar, they won’t even blink an eyelid. (Lesson number 1 in marketing — and you can have that for free)

I suspect most of you are thinking, “yeah, how much for this little gem”.  (Although some of you have already went to my PickNose cart, cause we all know that wedding photographers will buy anything that’s new in the hope of being able to post the celebrated “Skynard of Your Teeth Seminar –Changed My Life” thread on a forum).  Well, before anyone gets fonged off about it, the price is £18,000.  But for the first 250 registrants (yes, there’s certainly enough of me to go around…just ask the poor granny who stuck behind me during the speeches last week) I’ll discount it by 50% to £9,000.  Flights, accomodation, food, drink, bail bonds and a damn good lawyer (I can recommend my friend Saddam…he knows you’re going to ring, I left a message on his ansa-phone but to be honest, he hasn’t got back to me yet…but don’t worry, he NEVER lied about WMD, he ain’t gonna leave you hanging now) are all EXCLUDED from the total cost.

Don’t delay…think what a dope you’ll be if you are registrant number 251.  Although, to be honest, the rest of us will get a kick out of teasing you about having to pay full price (you muppet).  Also, don’t forget to read the fine print.

No part of this work may be reproduced in part or whole, in any form or by any means, without permission from the publisher.  Because copyright is really important to me, the fact that you all use the soundtrack to High School Musical on your DVDs is scandelous. All incidents, situations, institutions, governments and seminars are fictional and any similarity to seminars both living or dead is strictly coincidental.  Yes, I had to spell check coincidental.  Apologies for the short nature of this blog post as it was composed on my Apple iPhone…so that proves I think different.

Lisa and Tim — Tithe Barn, Ditcham — Sunday 1 June 2008

I loved Tim’s bold choice of colour

I had never done Bridal prep at the barn…look MORE shoes.  I keep finding places to put them!

The one light in the bride’s room had some unique shadows…here Lisa pauses before shouting ‘Hallelujah I’m dressed’

Tim and Sam wait for Lisa, her son Tom and Lisa’s Dad

The barn was in dramatic lighting mode which made for a more intimate setting

Signed, sealed and put in an envelope and given the bride (not as catchy as the original)

That first moment of alone time

The ceremony complete, its time to Samba

Ye Olde Tithe Barn Road

Damn…its the mad woman at Tiger Rose again.  She really is the business.

Lisa could do anything with the camera – smile, laugh, smolder.

Tim wasn’t too bad at the game either

Good Groom!

Jacaranda did the catering and Dave (the Tithe Barn master) insured the tables were spot lit perfectly

Amazing huh…spot lighting makes all the difference

Exactly why I let the Groom’s 13 year old son (fresh off 3 glasses of champagne) play with my camera I’ll never know

Celebrity Guest:  Pierre Luigi Collina (ok, maybe not but the do have the same hair stylist)

Go on…say it in your best Little Britain — “I want that one”

Lisa and Tim await their entry into the Wedding Breakfast

Staying with Little Britain — “Cake, cake, LOOOVE the cake”

After a day of cloud and sprinkles of rain, the evening turned glorious and Lisa and Tim requested my presence

Cheers!

Big Tim and The Arches

Lisa just about holds it together for the speeches

A cleverly placed one liner keeps her calm and composed

Raydeoflash

Let’s face the music and dance

Just moments before Tim did his body pump routine

“Fa la la la la la, la la la la” — ooops…wrong post

The last shot of the day